Thirty-two Weeks
It’s funny how it feels as though I’ve been in this pregnancy forever plus about twenty-seven days and simultaneously it feels as though it’s flying. Ninety percent of the time I can’t even remember what it feels like not to be pregnant. Did I ever actually bend over without grunting? Did I ever roll over in bed without waking up and heaving myself around manually? Did I ever go through a day not trying to decide whether to wear compression hose for the varicose vein pain or deal with the pain to minimize the itching?
But time started flying at the speed of light in the last few days and I’m realizing there is no way I’m ever going to knock off a pre-baby list. I move like a sloth and every day I think, Oh, I could do this extra project and instead we spend the whole day doing school and normal life. Nothing makes time fly faster than thinking about projects and realizing you’re not going to get them done. But it’s ok. My priority is getting as much school done as possible before we start life with a newborn again. I’d like to think that this time maybe we’d have one of those babies who occasionally live horizontally for a few minutes without crying, but knowing our track record I’m not banking on it.
This pregnancy has been like one long opportunity to learn trust. For three main reasons I chose a midwife instead of going back to the obstetrician who delivered the boys. Well, three main reasons and maybe the fact that I kind of sank into a deep, dark hole of overwhelm for awhile and didn’t care what happened to me. I saw an independent ultrasound tech who noted a growth in my uterus at my eight week visit. It niggled and niggled at the back of my mind, but I mostly tried to let it go. At my twenty two week ultrasound the radiology report showed a size discrepancy on baby’s kidneys but no one could really tell me if it was just a common abnormal normality or if he would need a little surgery to help with urinary reflux afterward.
On Christmas Eve I went downstairs to play ping pong with the boys. It was probably my favorite moment of the day. They couldn’t wait to show me their skills and I just grinned inside at the look on Adam’s face and Liam’s muttered, “whoa, she’s actually not bad.” The longer I played, the harder the old, competitive me surfaced. I was having way too much fun and winning games more than not. Poor Bella was so terrified of her fierce mama she started crying. Suddenly I remembered why I sit and watch games when I have little kids! After eight games and Bella crying I resorted to being the cool toddler mom and went upstairs. But oh my word, my uterus was so unhappy with me that evening I ended up on the recliner with my feet higher than my head instead of finishing our own little Christmas dinner. My midwife sent my chart and said if things didn’t stop I had to head to the ER. I’ve never, ever, ever been so grateful to spend Christmas Day with my family. Now I just feel like I know how to start labor when it’s time, but when I told Adam he said, “Nah, I don’t really like getting beat by you.”
A week later, the itching that had been driving me crazy went into overdrive. I’m talking, can’t sleep for hours feel like you’re going to scratch until you bleed kind of itching. It was horrible, especially the hours that felt like needles. Imagine getting a bee sting in your thigh and then your arm and then your thigh again and then on your head on and on and and every time it stings you jerk like crazy because it’s so sudden and hard and nothing, literally nothing, stops it. After a particularly bad night where I couldn’t sleep until after 1:00 because the itching was over the top I called in and they ran labs for cholestasis. Bloodwork came back fine but I was measuring at least three weeks big. I’ve never had big babies and while I gain plenty of weight and size, my fundal height never measures ahead of schedule. Let’s just say I had a small moment of meltdown on the table and asked for a more definitive ultrasound with the OB I used to see. All I could think was what if the cyst was actually out of control cancer and I was going to leave David and four or five kids. Anyone else worry way more when you’re pregnant?
Apparently God either healed things or I had a completely inept sonographer before because no growth (he said it was actually likely a contraction that stayed for fifteen minutes … who knew there was such a thing) and baby’s kidneys are perfectly normal. What wasn’t normal was the level of amniotic fluid. Apparently polyhydramnios gets rated by points for mild, moderate, and severe. Mine was in the mild range which is likely idiopathic …. by all of 1/2 point. Thankfully his heart and lungs look great on ultrasound so that ruled out a couple of reasons. They’re repeating in a few weeks to see what the levels are. Higher levels could indicate a possible swallowing issue (tracheal esophageal fistula being the most common) or it could just be a fluke. What concerns me most is the increased risk of birth complications. Google is not always your best friend. The best part of the deal was getting another peak at his sweet little face! 
He looks just like our other babies!
I’m trying hard to listen quietly. To trust. But even more to discern. There are so many unknowns in life and sometimes we simply need to walk forward one step at a time knowing that we can never guarantee positive outcomes. But walking forward in faith is a lot easier when we feel confident that we have heard God well. So I’m praying for a really clear answer about where he should make his arrival.
Be safe, little boy.
Such gorgeous maternity photos, Michelle. I’m glad to hear baby is healthy, too. I remember this stage of pregnancy so well. You’re so close to the end, yet time seems to warp to half its normal speed.
Absolutely stunning!