![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/Feb-19-132.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nThey’ve been excruciating physically; but even more, they’ve been a mountain emotionally.<\/p>\n
In retrospect, I’m choosing to look back and call them weeks of healing instead of weeks of anguish. \u00a0What essentially fleshed out as sky-high anxiety that morphed into deep, can’t get out of bed, can’t stop crying depression also fleshed out as serious soul searching and an uprooting of deeply seated shame.<\/p>\n
I am forever grateful. \u00a0For my sweet friend, Jeannine, who met me in the Target parking lot to do a quick drop off. Our interaction should have taken two minutes and instead, she took one look into my eyes, hugged me, and prayed over me. When she finished she said, “Michelle, is this physical or emotional?” \u00a0And suddenly all the words I’d not been able to utter to anyone came tumbling out. \u00a0She didn’t say much. \u00a0She just listened. \u00a0Spoke a few powerful words of deep truth and direction. \u00a0And then she hugged me again and sent me on my way, but the cycle to healing had been set in motion. \u00a0Outside in a parking lot next to the clothing drop off bins. \u00a0You never know when or where Jesus is going to work through His people.<\/p>\n
A few days later my sister asked me how I was doing a bit more insistently. \u00a0She’d been asking. \u00a0I just hadn’t answered and circumvented the subject. \u00a0But that day was the darkest of the dark and she didn’t quit. \u00a0I typed between sobs and finally got to where I could talk.<\/p>\n
That night David and I decided to switch from our current home birth plan with a midwife to an OB\/GYN and hospital birth. \u00a0I was not feeling safe and realizing how much the anxiety was stemming from that single factor. \u00a0But it took those two conversations for me to realize truth.<\/p>\n I made the decision to home birth for a few surfacey reasons (one of them being able to hopefully avoid antibiotics for group B strep) and for a much deeper, shame based reason I never told anyone. \u00a0But mostly, I made it because I was running away from something, not toward something.<\/p>\n It ended up being a terrible fit for me. \u00a0But instead of realizing it, I kept trying to power through. \u00a0I thought the anxiety was my fault. \u00a0That God was trying to teach me how to let go of control and trust. \u00a0I was convinced if I could just give up my need to control, I could learn to trust Him and it would all be fine. \u00a0But instead of me being able to work through my fears, my anxiety skyrocketed.<\/p>\n God kept giving me words like, “I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord,” as I lay in the darkness. \u00a0Over and over I read verses like, “When you walk through the fire, I will deliver you.” \u00a0I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was up against something life threatening. \u00a0I was terrified of losing our baby even though most of the verses seemed to be about my life. \u00a0Finally one morning I was convinced I just needed to get out of Isaiah so I randomly flipped to Psalms expecting to see words of praise. \u00a0Instead the words were so similar it was uncanny.<\/p>\n That week as we talked it over and decided to transition, the anxiety began to fade away like the morning fog when the sun burns through it. \u00a0Over and over, I caught myself letting out enormous exhalations and the muscles in my upper back loosened.<\/p>\n The only problem was, I was 35 weeks gestation and when I called the office where I’d delivered the boys I couldn’t even get past the receptionist. \u00a0The next office said I should send records for them to review and they’d call me back if a dr approved me (they never did). \u00a0Had it not been for a friend from nursing school who knows all the L&D people and who sent texts to my Dr every hour begging him to take me, I would probably still be stuck. She’s the biggest advocate for women I’ve ever seen and this isn’t even close to the first time she has helped me out, just because that’s who she is.<\/p>\n Over and over as I told people about our decision, I heard words of profound affirmation. \u00a0They came from my hospital birthing friends and my home birthing friends. \u00a0The one person I wasn’t going to tell was my homebirthed her four kids, somewhat anti-medical chiropractor. \u00a0At the very next appointment she’d barely started working on me when she asked, “What did you decide about delivery?” \u00a0Nothing like point blank. \u00a0So I told her. \u00a0“I’m so relieved,” she said. “Pregnant women need to listen to their bodies. \u00a0You weren’t feeling safe and I felt really anxious about you trying a home birth. \u00a0I told _____ (her secretary) that you are planning a home birth and I just feel really anxious about the outcome if you go ahead with it. \u00a0I can see and feel the difference in your body.”<\/p>\n Meanwhile, baby boy moved into a better position in utero within hours of our decision.<\/p>\n I’ve always known our bodies and brains are connected, but the astronomical difference was mind blowing. \u00a0I started sleeping most nights instead of spending most of them awake. \u00a0The intense fear of death and the constant verses about walking through fire ended. \u00a0And even before I told anyone about our decision, friends started pouring out blessing after blessing on us. \u00a0I looked at David in disbelief. \u00a0“Where is all of this coming from? \u00a0It feels as though God simply opened up the kingdom of heaven to confirm his approval. \u00a0Because probably if this would have happened earlier, I would have been sure it’s a sign I should keep pushing through.”<\/p>\n I’ve learned so much in these past few months. \u00a0While I wish our sweet baby would not have needed to be privy to the cortisol load coursing through my body, I refuse to feel shame for being such a slow learner. \u00a0As my chiropractor would say, “Don’t read that script.”<\/p>\n I’ve learned (again) that my default can be to assume the toughest option will always be what God wants. \u00a0I know exactly where it’s coming from; but it’s taken a lot of healing and rewiring to realize He is a God of so much grace, love, and mercy. \u00a0While it’s true that we are always needing to learn more, He sees me as valuable, intelligent, capable of making a good decision, and worthy. \u00a0This is not the default script that runs through my head. \u00a0I’m guessing I’m not the only one who struggles with a shame based mentality, am I right? \u00a0Over and over I wonder what would get unleashed if we lived out of who God sees us as without holdbacks?<\/p>\n (Cannot wait to get rid of those compression hose once and for all.)<\/p>\n I learned that it is very, very important for women to get health care and birth where they are comfortable. \u00a0This is not about the importance of hospitals, but about being where you feel safe. \u00a0Feeling that level of anxiety made me understand women who feel that kind of anxiety about a hospital birth. \u00a0It is a real thing. And you are not just going to mentally power through it. \u00a0This may not even look the same for different births. \u00a0It’s very possible that you will do one delivery one place and feel more comfortable with another in a subsequent pregnancy; but listen to your body!<\/p>\n And I learned again the incredible power of women speaking into each other’s lives. In the Target parking lot. \u00a0Across voxer. \u00a0At church. \u00a0In Facebook messenger. \u00a0The power of being fully present … enough to help someone understand their own heart … is the power of community. \u00a0It’s where truth is revealed and healing happens.<\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n