{"id":564,"date":"2011-02-07T15:13:00","date_gmt":"2011-02-07T20:13:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/monday-february-7-2011\/"},"modified":"2011-02-07T15:13:00","modified_gmt":"2011-02-07T20:13:00","slug":"monday-february-7-2011","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/monday-february-7-2011\/","title":{"rendered":"Monday February 7, 2011"},"content":{"rendered":"<style> <a target=\"_blank\" href=\"http:\/\/smilesbymiles.xanga.com\/photos\/8e5a9274904777\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" title=\"Feb 11_0051\" style=\"border-style: none; border-width: 0px;\" src=\"http:\/\/x8e.xanga.com\/5a9e02fb54434274904777\/m219127784.jpg\" height=\"580\"><\/a> @font-face {   font-family: \"Cambria\"; }@font-face {   font-family: \"Tahoma\"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: \"Times New Roman\"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }<\/style>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">How can I say thank you for the hundreds of kind words that have been flooding my inboxes and telephone and in real life?<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">How can it feel as though I have lived ten weeks in the space of two?<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">How do you tell a story that isn&#8217;t finished?<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">Where is the line between sharing your story and forgetting to close the bathroom door when you vomit?<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">How can you tell a story that is true because it happened to you in a way that will not hurt someone else?<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">And so I walk away.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Time and again.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Yet, I want to write.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">Because it helps me to process.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">Because so many people have shown so much care and are asking how I am.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">Because so many people have honored and blessed me by sharing their story.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Their courage gives me courage.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">And so I will write.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Because maybe someday, my story can help to bring healing to someone else.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"> <a target=\"_blank\" href=\"http:\/\/smilesbymiles.xanga.com\/photos\/8e5a9274904777\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" title=\"Feb 11_0051\" style=\"border-style: none; border-width: 0px;\" src=\"http:\/\/x8e.xanga.com\/5a9e02fb54434274904777\/m219127784.jpg\" height=\"580\"><\/a>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">That Tuesday night as I went to bed it felt as though my family and friends, acquaintances and even strangers were joining hands in ever widening circles around me.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I have felt held up and supported in the past two weeks in ways beyond imagining.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>People have been so kind.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Over and over and over again.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Friends were just there.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>They called to see how I was doing and no matter what stage of grief I was in, they just listened, responded to me at that stage, and cared.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>When I cried, they cried with me.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>When I was in denial of my grief and just wanted to ignore it, &#8220;they didn&#8217;t keep bringing it up or say, &#8220;but that was a baby.&#8221;<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>They just quietly let me know it was ok to grieve if and when I needed to.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And when I needed space and couldn&#8217;t talk, they gave me that, too. <\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">I feel humbled.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And loved.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And I&#8217;m just going to say, I have the best families in the world. <\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">It felt as though I went through almost every stage of grief just in that first day.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>The shock, the denial, the sobbing, and in the end a measure of acceptance.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>That this is the way things were supposed to be.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And underneath it all, I felt a strong sense of gratitude.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">This is kind of where I&#8217;d like to just stop.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Or at least put out a lot of disclaimers.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Or something.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I do not understand the physiology of grief.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I know that our experiences elsewhere in life cause us to respond in different ways to situations.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I don&#8217;t know why some hard things feel manageable to one person and feel like so much darkness and shattering to another.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I don&#8217;t know why God chose to lead me so gently through this experience, yet left me reeling in darkness and despair during the time I couldn&#8217;t get pregnant; but He did.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Please know that if you are reading this and experienced the same situation and it was not gentle for you, there is not something wrong with you.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>It&#8217;s not because you weren&#8217;t spiritual enough or in tune with God or weak emotionally.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And please know that if someone you love has an anembryonic pregnancy, she may not feel the same way I did.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Just love her and give her grace and space and time the same way you did to me.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Ok, fears be gone.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">Back to the gratitude.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Even before I got pregnant this time, I had this premonition that something was going to be wrong with our baby.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>So I&#8217;m a worry wart, but this was stronger than normal.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>After I did get pregnant, it faded a little.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Yet, in the back of my mind, something felt wrong.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I think God gave me the gift of foreshadowing and I cannot tell you how much it helped me during that sad week.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>It was like those words came out of my mouth without me even thinking about it.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>There was a ladies luncheon planned the day of my prenatal visit and I could not wait to waltz in and announce my pregnancy because I knew they would all celebrate with me.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>But when my SIL asked me Sunday if I&#8217;m coming I said, &#8220;Yes &#8230; if there&#8217;s nothing wrong with the baby.&#8221;<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And even the night before my visit when we took the cutest little pregnancy announcement picture and I was dying to put it on xanga I said, &#8220;but what if there&#8217;s no baby?&#8221;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">It&#8217;s not that I would not have loved a child who had serious handicaps.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>But it&#8217;s not what any mom dreams of for her child.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And most of all, I had a huge fear of carrying a baby for seven months or even full term and then losing the baby.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Or like my mom and dad, watching their newborn be rushed to a larger hospital and then to see him live for thirteen days before losing him to his many, many health issues.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>No mother ever, ever wants to lose a child, but in my mind, carrying a child almost to term and then losing the baby before you ever feel one tiny puff of baby breath against your cheek is the absolutely most heart-rending grief of all.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Because of that and because of the way it felt as though something was wrong, I felt that God was sparing us of so much.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>That he took the baby when he \/ she was so tiny I could not even see a baby was in reality a gift.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Especially when I read that 50% of <a href=\"http:\/\/www.americanpregnancy.org\/pregnancycomplications\/blightedovum.html\" rel=\"nofollow\">anembryonic pregnancies<\/a> are the result of serious chromosomal defects and the baby has no chance at life.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\"><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\"> <a target=\"_blank\" href=\"http:\/\/smilesbymiles.xanga.com\/photos\/83edd274904775\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" title=\"Feb 11_0035\" style=\"border-style: none; border-width: 0px;\" src=\"http:\/\/x83.xanga.com\/edde166607735274904775\/m219127783.jpg\" width=\"580\"><\/a> <br \/><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp; <font size=\"2\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana;\">(how symbolic is this &#8230; my SIL gave me three rose buds and they never opened &#8230; just like our baby)<\/span><\/font><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\"><font size=\"2\"><span style=\"font-family: Verdana;\"><\/span><\/font><br \/><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">In the next two days I bounced around between denial and sadness.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>For awhile, my words, &#8220;there is no baby&#8221; as I called David, haunted me.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>It felt as though there really was no baby.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>What was I supposed to grieve?<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>The death of a dream?<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Slowly, my heart began to believe.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Because I feel so strongly that life begins at conception when we&#8217;re talking about birth control, it is also for me to believe that life began at conception this time.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>So if the &#8220;baby&#8221; lived for five minutes, it is still ok for me to grieve a baby.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And the truth is, a baby doesn&#8217;t implant for about three days and mine did so even if I couldn&#8217;t see it, it was a baby.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">That weekend just felt sad.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I cried a lot.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Not angry tears that things had gone wrong, but sad tears for what couldn&#8217;t be.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I felt sad that we couldn&#8217;t know this baby even though Liam&#8217;s story helped me to have perspective.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>If we would have had the baby we wanted to have that time, we would never have known Liam.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And how would I ever have lived so well without knowing his sweetness?<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>So once again I find myself believing that God knows when the right time is for our family.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I feel sad for the loss of sharing the pregnancy journey with a friend who is also pregnant.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And sometimes, that grief is the hardest of all.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Because even though what happened does not feel like a mistake, I am sad for what I wish would have been.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">It is hard to feel as though your body is associated with death.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>As though in some ways you are the cause of it.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I woke up one morning with this enormous urge to run to Lowes and buy a tree to plant.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Anything to be involved with life instead of death. But the world was covered with a layer of sleet and then snow and clearly it wasn&#8217;t an option.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I still want to plant something this Spring.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I want something tangible to remember.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>When people die, we place gravestones.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I&#8217;ll never have that, but I want a visual reminder of this part of our life.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">The week before Christmas I was scrapbooking Liam&#8217;s baby pictures and re-read his birth story.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I looked at my journaling during that time before I got pregnant &#8230; the questions about faith, about believing that God is good and gives good gifts &#8230; and I wondered, did I learn anything at all?<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Just a few days before my prenatal visit, I remember my unbelief.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I was washing my hands, thinking about how quickly we&#8217;d gotten pregnant this time and how I could not believe that God had actually given me that gift.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>That I still didn&#8217;t believe He would actually do that to me.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And after I called David and my mom that Tuesday with the sad news, I remember thinking, &#8220;See, God doesn&#8217;t give good gifts to me.&#8221;<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Yet by the time I got home and felt the promise in the sunshine, I had gotten to the point of gratitude for all the reasons above.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And I felt so incredibly grateful for His gift of taking the baby so early.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Because it&#8217;s never easy, but this was so much easier.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I remembered some of my friends with primary infertility who would give almost anything to go through this instead of never, ever conceiving.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>To have known for even four weeks that they are pregnant. <span style=\"\">&nbsp;<\/span>But most of all, it felt so good to know that while my faith and belief that God is good is not as unflappable as I wish, I did learn something in the darkness.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\"><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\"> <a target=\"_blank\" href=\"http:\/\/smilesbymiles.xanga.com\/photos\/03445274904778\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" title=\"Feb 11_0070\" style=\"border-style: none; border-width: 0px;\" src=\"http:\/\/x03.xanga.com\/445e06fb74434274904778\/m219127785.jpg\" height=\"580\"><\/a> <br \/><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"font-family: Arial;\"><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"font-size: 13pt;\">Like one of my former co-workers said on facebook in response to our loss, &#8220;While you are in a sea of sadness, you are not adrift.&#8221;<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>Those words are so beautiful to me because they express in one sentence what I have been feeling in paragraphs and chapters.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>I repeat them to myself throughout the day.<span style=\"\">&nbsp; <\/span>And I believe with all my heart there is sunshine above the rain.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How can I say thank you for the hundreds of kind words that have been flooding my inboxes and telephone and in real life?&nbsp; &nbsp; How can it feel as&hellip; <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-564","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p39ynQ-96","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/564","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=564"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/564\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=564"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=564"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.michellebeachy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=564"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}