Chesed

Tuesday January 25, 2011

By Michelle January 25, 2011 Uncategorized 95 Comments

This morning I went to my eight week prenatal visit. The routine, but oh so exciting, kind of visit when you get to see a tiny baby with a heart beat taking up nearly all it’s midsection blipping away faster than you can blink.

It was so much fun to walk in those doors … to be on this journey of life again. To know what to expect and yet to be as happy as that first time ever when it felt so odd to open doors labeled obstetrics.

The nurse practitioner and I chatted about baby names and kids responses to pregnancies and fears of congenital issues because of my mom and dad’s story.

And then she turned for the ultrasound machine and I stared at the screen, looking, looking, looking and realizing I was not looking at a screen of life. “I’m afraid we’re not seeing what we’re expecting,” she broke the news gently. She kept looking, went to get the doctor for a second opinion and tears started rolling down my face and dripping onto the table.

It was all too clear. The thickened epithelium where the baby should have been growing, the collapsed sac, and the too big area of blackness.

It felt surreal. Me, the person who has never had the slightest scare after the little plus sign showed up, was now the person looking at miscarriage.

I feel lost in a sea of emotions.

Sadness …. for the baby we’ve all four been talking about already.

Grief …. as the dream of a September 5th baby dies.

Disappointment … like someone handed me an exquisitely wrapped gift and just as I was about to tear open the ribbons and peek inside, they grabbed it back.

Anger … that while some women blip through their first trimester asymptomatic, I have had weeks of nausea for nothing.

Fear … of the unknown of the days to come. I’ve never gone this road before.

A ray of Hope … because life comes after death. I stepped out of the car when I got home, my face streaming wet for the umpteenth time this morning. It’s mid-January but the sun hit me full force. The noon temperature was in the fifties and I smelled a whiff of earthiness and Springtime. For a few minutes the fog of sadness cleared and as clearly as though God had made Himself visible, I felt Him reminding me. Life comes after death, just as Spring comes after Winter.

I don’t know what all is in the next part of the story, but for now I can only believe.

Hope

Trust

Pray

Yesterday I was the woman with the secret in her tummy.

Today I am the woman with the black hole.

Yesterday I was talking to God, the Author, Creator, and Sustainer of Life.

Today I am talking to God, the Author, Creator and Sustainer of Life who is also my Father and who can carry me through the thousand question marks branded in my heart.

95 thoughts on “Tuesday January 25, 2011”

  1. lifeisadance

    Oh Michelle, I’m crying as I read this… I have never been through something like this, although with Olivia there was no heartbeat to be found at 16 weeks and it wasn’t until a day later that one was found. In that day I thought I was carrying a lifeless child, and just that little glimpse into the grief of losing a child makes me sympathize so deeply… I wish I could do something for you, but all I can do is pray, and that I will… Wishing I could at least give you a big long hug! ♥ Praying that as you know the God who brought the excitement of new life and the God who took the life away, that you will also know the God who is so near, and who isn’t afraid of the sadness and depths of your emotions and questions…

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  8. madisonsmom2

    Oh Michelle, this hurts so much to read this! I started reading and just got an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I cried for you! I am so sorry, so sorry! I know all about those tears, crying, asking whywhywhy. I remember the endless feeling of wondering around in your own little world of grief because this little person so tiny and precious is just a passing thought for everyone else. I pray for peace, rest and quietness for your heart. I pray for answers for your questions and for love to wipe your tears. May God continue to show his face to you in ways that seem impossible! Continue to hope and trust in Him, for he is the Creator of this tiny miracle and he now holds her in his arms! Much love and prayers!!

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  13. onehappymomma

    While I don’t know you personally, I wish I could wrap my arms around you and offer SOME kind of comfort for your pain.  I know that our Heavenly Father is doing just that.  What you have written here is painful but in your words there is beauty just the same.  Beauty from ashes?  My tears fall now for your family and for your heart as it grieves.

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  20. pinkstarburst86

    I’ve never experienced this either but I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now!!! My heart aches for you! SO SO sorry for you and the family! My sister had a tubal pregnancy a couple summers ago and I was with her when she passed what was the beginning of her baby! And we both cried together!! Praying for strength for you!

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  23. sewhappymama

    Oh Michelle,  I am so sorry!!! I can well imagine what you feel like, but in reality I have never been there.  Praying you will feel the comfort of Jesus during the coming days,weeks ahead. Mariann

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  24. erlinyoder

    My heart aches with you!  I know that pain, that disappointment, and also that terribly lonely feeling when you realize that suddenly that little life you’ve been carrying around inside of you is just not there anymore. You’ll be in my prayers as you walk through this! 

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  28. loaine

    So sorry for your loss.I have been where you are.Carrying a secret,new life then the feeling of emptiness and loss.Allow yourself time to grieve,through it all God is faithful!

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  31. DelLar

    Praying for you!  I’ve been there, it’s a long, rough road and thinking of someone else facing it makes me want to reach out and somehow take some of the pain away from you 🙁  This post made me feel “that sadness” all over again… Hugs to you as you face the days ahead!

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  32. itsayoderworld

    As soon as I read the title I started exclaiming out loud, “No, NO, no, NO, NO, NONONONO!!!” Words cannot express the empathy that I am feeling at this moment, nor the flood of emotions that rolled over me as I read. Do not fear the road ahead—although it is a rough one, you will find God closer than you ever have before; and He will walk with you each step.
    Oh, HOW I wish that I could hug you…and cry with you…and sit in silence with you…right. now. You have the promise of my prayers. I am SO sorry.

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  33. grace_to_be

    oh, michelle! my heart just stopped for you~ all those emotions of hearing those exact same words came flooding in and i’m crying with you tonight, friend. i’m going to write more to you when i can put my thoughts together better.. but for now, just know how much i love you and care so much about what you’re feeling.

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  35. Elizabethmarie_1

    I am so sorry. =(  I know what you are going through. It’s not easy, and it’s not fun. I miscarried twins almost two years ago.
    I remember that shocking feeling, that sad feeling on that ultrasound table when no heartbeat could be found.
    Praying for you. Praying for peace and calm in your heart as you go though this.

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  39. yodertime

    We lost a baby at 13 weeks, 11 years ago, the hurt has been healed but I remember well the very real pain we felt at the time of the loss. God is with you, He will heal in time, but it does take time. Praying that you can find things each day that ease the pain.

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  40. zhangchong178

    Micro-etched Crystal – The swiss watch “coronet” or “crown” just beneath the 6 o’clock brand was micro-etched on all Rolexes from the year 2002. If you use a jeweler’s loupe, you will apprehension that in allegory to a replica, the “genuine” acme is abundant added axiomatic and robust.

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  41. lin789

    the way you described being handed a precious ,wrapped gift only to have someone snatch it away before you could peek inside …it was the perfect word picture to understand the sad  twist. Anticipation and excitement then emptiness and questions..
    I’m so sorry. so sorry.
    praying that your Creator will talk closely to you
    and that he will guide you to the right person who will  understand your need of the moment.

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  43. jennieanne84

    i wish so bad that you did not have to feel the pain and hurt and questions of losing your tiny baby.  i am so sad……and so very sorry. love you, michelle….i care so much, and will be thinking of you and breathing extra prayers for you.

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  45. singingrachel

    Michelle, grieving so very deeply with you…. empty arms… it’s a tough road to walk and i’m so sorry you are experiencing this pain. Such shock and numbness involved.

    May it somehow comfort your heart to know that even now the creator of life and death is weeping with you… wanting to walk this with you…. When we can barely interpret our own feelings,  HE intercedes for us before the Father.

    I’ll be praying much for you and your family. And if i could i’d just wrap you in my arms for a big hug. and lots of tears.

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  46. DCKLDBW

    There is nothing I can say that sounds ok but I cant leave without saying something. I’ve walked the road and know how aweful it is. I’m sorry…I wish for you lots more balmy, healing, sunshiny days.

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  48. bubblingteapot

    I feel your pain, Michele. How well I remember that day for me. It’s hard, so hard, to lose the dream of a baby. And the grieving, so many times alone, is so painful. The whys abundant. May God wrap His arms of love around you during this time. And praying many sprigs of hope to carry you through. Praying for you.

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  62. CuddlyKat

    Yesterday would of been the 19th birthday of my son who I miscarried all those years ago. I’ll forever look at that time as one of the single most difficult experiences I ever had to go through. But I can also look at that experience as one of the times I felt closest to God in my whole life.- I am praying the same for you!

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  66. srheam

    So sorry.  Been where you are!  Embrace those emotions, don’t stuff them down.  You described that “black hole” feeling so well.  Hugs to you and prayers of peace and strength.

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  76. Invisible_Crazed_Chica

    Although I have not read your blog before, I would just like to let you know that there is a circle of people in a tiny coffeeshop in little Crawfordsville, Indiana praying for you. Be encouraged that God DOES have a plan for you, and He does have a plan for your child. May you meet in heaven one day, and worship Him together.

    Prayers and hugs.

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  81. gardentreasures75

    So sorry Michelle, In time God does heal the broken heart ,but you will always remember” the child you had…but never had…” It makes heaven so much sweeter and real to think you have someone waiting for you.!!!!

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  87. TaxiMom1999

    We have never met but I was guided to your website by our Heveanly Father!  I have had four misscarriages two of them were just as you discribed as above ……. looking at a sonogram moniter and hear the words from the doctor …… I am so sorry but …….. 

    My hearts breaks for you!  There are no words of comfort I can give you right now.  I am praying for you and your family.   I believe life begins at conception I hope you find peace that your presious baby is the Fathers Hands! 

     If you are having  hard time dealing with things please write me, you are never alone in this journey! 

    Prayerfully A Sister in Christ

    Debbi

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  93. lam46571

    I also have gone thru a miscarriage. It will be a year ago Mar 3rd that I went to my Dr appt and got the same news at 16 wks. My journey was a bit different. I found out at 6 wks, due to heavy bleeding & ending up in the ER after we thot I had miscarried, that I have a bicornuate uterus. My babies only grow in one half because it’s heart shaped. They told me I have a 50/50 chance of loosing the baby so I was off my feet for 7-8 wks. Yesterday, Feb 3rd, was 1 yr ago that I saw my baby wiggling & moving very lively on an ultrasound for the last time at a specialist. He told me from there on out I should have a normal pregnancy. Just 4 wks later I went to my reg Dr & there was no heartbeat. It was such a shock. I felt cheated & betrayed beacuse I had done everything that I could do & still I lost the baby. I struggled so bad with feeling God’s love & presence yet I KNEW he was the One carrying me thru it. The song that kept playing in my head was “I Will Praise You in this Storm”. I loved my DR cause she sat & cried with me on a follow up visit. It still hits me out of the blue at times. I think of our baby every day. I look at a friend’s baby & think mine should be a week older. Since then 2 friends from church have had one, my SIL had one, a friend from church buried her tiny baby girl born at only 23 wks, & my cousin buried her little boy after living less than 48 hrs. I have come to look at each babies as miracles. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you need. I’ve been praying for you & will continue~ God bless you.

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