Exhausted
Today is Monday who knows what. My body and brain feel shell shocked. Everything feels locked down. I can’t really feel anything. I keep getting frustrated and edgy.
This is supposed to be the week of pause. No appointments. Staying home and gently recovering from surgery. David even decided to stay for the entire week. I imagined this week to be filled with so much laughter and celebration and instead I can’t even get out of bed until 11 some days. My body is just completely exhausted. Probably from the last two weeks of not getting great nights of sleep, but it’s more than that. It’s exhaustion from the fear and dread and constant adrenaline rush and trying to remember every detail since July 29th because really it’s a matter of life and death. It’s emotional exhaustion and physical exhaustion and the fact that now that I don’t have to for several days in a row, my body has forgotten to ask my permission and decided not to function.
I realized it was last Christmas that our family stood in front of church and sang, “Is there room in your heart?”
How little we knew.